LOVE OF A TEENAGER (2)

(To the only one who could capture my heart)

Some days I feel incomplete. The empty waves surround me, leaving no untouched spot. I miss you, I cry and I feel immensely bad. I want to reach out to call you, but my heart knows I shouldn’t. I should not stare at your pictures too often, convinced that it had to be done. It was the right choice. When I wake up with tears in my eyes, I realize what have I done, the deepest of my subconscious mind also makes me dream of you.

As I often told you “You don’t know what you actually mean to me.”

I hide my tears these days for not letting others know that I feel bad. For others to not know that yes I still miss you. But feelings are those scratches that once made leave a deep impact on oneself.

How could a person control my mood? How could he become the reason for my smile and sadness, how could he increase my heartbeat from miles away just because of one text, my name?

I prioritized the right over my happiness and I am really proud of it. But on days like these, I feel that all of this shouldn't have happened. I wish for the impossible to happen, if it can, a miracle to occur, could this all become a nightmare and leave me? I still remain in the past thinking about the sweet-bitter memories we shared and waiting for him to ask me to come back. But would he? Even if he would, would I leave the ethics, culture, morals, and all the traditions that I have been taught for years behind and become his? For all my selfish love and thinking?

But somewhere deep, in this deep contradiction, I want to be late.

This time, I will not give in to my mood swings, not into those endless cries that fell on deafening ears, not give up because I am weak. I will choose the right over my own happiness, and I will.